a postcard to heaven

Dear Teacher Lumen,

This is actually a long-delayed letter. I apologize for not writing sooner - I have been having a hard time putting into words the maelstrom of emotions that I have been feeling for the past months.

I am 24 now. It's amazing how fast time flies. Remember when you treated me to lunch during my 21st birthday? We were in Los Banos. How about the times when we spent hours talking and talking over a plate of pasta?

Nothing much has changed, except you're in the other side now. I don't know if I have changed for the better, or worse. It doesn't matter. In time, reason will come. According to Steve Jobs, we can only connect the dots looking backwards and not forward. I guess this is not the time to start connecting them.

I still have so much guilt in me for not being able to visit you in the hospital when you were sick. I admit, I got scared. Not scared of being around sick people, as you were always concerned about, but scared of losing you. Scared of hearing you say final, heartfelt words that will make me feel worse about myself. I have always felt that I don't deserve to be your daughter. I can almost hear you contradict me as I write this. But I digress.

Looking back at our shared moments, I feel a sense of calm and sadness. I have always believed that God directs the people that we meet in our lives, even if it is a complete stranger seated beside you on a bus. I am glad you are a part of my life - and I am saying this in the present tense. I feel you with me. You are a part of me now.

I can almost smell the scent of the air when we first met - on a hot summer day in UP. You gave me a copy of Sophie's world.

Remember when you introduced me to him? It was love, love as with Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Love in the Time of Cholera. But like all other things, it passed.

I wish you can see him now.

to be continued