An Open TY Letter

To HASS Community:

Peace in Christ!

Thank you very much for giving me a chance to be part of the recently concluded Live-In Vocation Discernment Seminar last weekend.

It was a wisdom-filled, enriching and unforgettable experience for me.

I never felt that ‘welcome’ since I decided not to join the La Salle brothers’ postulancy program last 2006. As I implicitly said on my personal testimony on the last part of the program – the 3-day experience brought me back to the day I made a pact with the Lord that I will serve Him for the rest of my life.

As I am deeply moved by the experience, let me share with you my reflections as my way of saying ‘thank you’

As emphasized on the CASA talk by Father Dave, the desire to serve the Lord is not enough as a ground to enter the seminary and be one of the “priests-in-process”. I may agree with it, there should be the total surrender and the inner desire of serving because of the Love he gave us. Love that may come in different forms and cannot be measured by sight but by another heart formed in the likeness of God – full of love, compassion and mercy.

I learned a lot from this weekend activity and I am happy that as I head back home, I am challenged to go through the Paschal mystery of daily lives as presented by Father John. It is not enough that I experienced passion and resurrection, death is given emphasized as well. It is so timely that this activity falls on a Lenten season, that as I reflected deeper, this reminds me of the central theme of the Lenten season -- being with Christ in His sufferings, His death, and His resurrection. It is through death, self-mortification and dying of oneself, that a person may be compared to an ash that brings forth a new life.

Another lesson I imbibed is to have a life that is centered on Christ alone – there I learned how to be less of me and how to be more of Christ – an ‘alter Christus’.

I am very nervous by then when I was asked to speak on stage. I invoked the Holy Spirit to guide me because I really don’t know what to say. I even blurted-out, that I felt like humiliated, though what I meant was I really felt humbled. (A slip of a tongue but may still have meaning. I just laughed when I recalled these words – very humiliating..i mean..very humbling) Indeed the vocation program was a big humbling experience, an awakening that brought about a deeper sense of spiritual renewal and re-commitment to live with and in Christ alone.

I told myself, while at the duration of the seminar, that regardless of the decision of the resident priest formators, as lead by Father Rector, I would humbly accept it; for the 3-day live-in program itself strengthened my relationship with the Lord. Though I also learned that it is not enough that I knew Him, it is not enough that I follow His precepts, it is not enough that I study His decrees; it is not enough that I express my love of neighbors. But it is by standing boldly in front of the public, bearing the image of Christ and proclaiming the Gospel – which I believe was something observed that needs to be developed in me if I wanted to give my life fully for His own cause and will.

I am not yet as clear as the glass in the flash light that could reflect Christ to the community for I appear to be so full of myself. But as I reflect on the bright full moon hovering over the fields last night, I asked myself: would it also be okay to compare a priest to a moon, that despite its craters of different diameters and of its other flaws, it remains to reflect a bright and shining light to the people in the darkest hour of the night. And that brightness and the light that it could give can at times only be noticed when, man-made source of light and of power --the electricity, fails us? And for all we know we are wanting to see a light, perfect in its circular form but perhaps it is not yet full moon, when we have a glanced of it, and all the while the moon stood as round as it is with all its imperfections but it continually gives light not on the fullest form that we wanted to see but maybe it is still on its waxing phase?

I admit that I really felt bad upon receiving the note that I did not make it. It even adds-up to my affirmation about God that He is indeed humorous. He allowed me to receive a message that I passed and I qualified to take the exam this coming Sunday (March 7) because He knew that I prayed to received that message but I think I missed something on my prayer. I should have stated on my prayer that I will receive the congratulatory message and it is for real and not just wrongly send.

This at first hand was indeed as I tagged it was a ‘sweet rejection’ for as a whole, this experience, brings me back to my old senses, to my old commitment with Him yet at the same time as I actually feel it – it gives a sudden kick of sadness, of grieving and of death. I feel sorry and mournful for the day I refused to enter into formation four years ago. For the fact that behind my statement that I wanted to augment our family income that time, I am still afraid to face myself, I am afraid to undergo psychological testing for it may expose things that I am afraid of, things that I don’t want to face. But here I am now, laying down my cards, fully ready to whatever the results may provide, has been denied to continue on with what I initially thought was already the will of God.

Indeed, the message indicated that I am not qualified to go for the next step and I need to submit to it for HASS knew well what’s best for me; for they are the anointed ones to gather the called and selected few. HASS as I learned about since 2001 may not only be the place where I thought my seed of vocation will be properly nourished and sustained for its growth. For my role is limited to keep my seed of vocation safe and select the place where it will eventually grow and mature for I can’t predict what tree it will become and what capacity of fruits it can produce. My sense of being in the case of a seed would only last before it breaks, after it broken fully it will give life for a newer me, something I don’t know yet but only God and those, who manages the house for the seeds of vocation, knew.

And I will leave it at that, it is not really my will that will be followed, it is still the will of God that will always prevail.

As I would like to emphasize, thank you for giving me a chance to reach the application process this far, it is an experience that is really worth remembering. And on a personal note, HASS achieved the goal of making the live-in vocation discernment seminar experience more than just the ordinary experience of being with the seminarians, priests and other affiliates and got the sense of living inside the vicinity of the seminary. It is also an experience that enriches oneself as an individual who continually seeks for the Lord and His will at all times – and it has been true for me.

At a lighter note, given the chance that I will be accepted for a live-in seminar, I would pray all the more, I would not just pray that I will receive a congratulatory note but I will also pray harder that I will go straight right into the finish line not because it is my own heart’s desire but the desire of God who resides in my heart. And I would like to look forward for the day that I would thank again HASS for their wisdom that brought me to the place where I truly belong.

May Mary, Seat of wisdom, continue to bless and guide you all the more as inspired St. John Marie Vianney’s search for deeper understanding of going beyond intellectual emptiness with St. Paul, who seen Christ--- source of true light, later than all the disciples and St. Francis, who learned lessons from his brother moon and friends from seeds and trees, all the time.

God bless you always!

Committed to bear Christ,


Christopher Castillo